


Four Horsemen

by pandameleon



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Characters in grief, Diary/Journal, F/F, F/M, Regret, Self-Hatred, Starvation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-09-19 10:44:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9436709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandameleon/pseuds/pandameleon
Summary: Losing a loved one...it is like the your whole word comes crashing down. Your own personal apocalypse.





	1. Death

March 22nd, 2077

Pain is something that is…hard to remember.

Sometimes I ask previous patients if they remember the pain. Genji, for example, He tells me he remembers feeling the emotional toll of his brother’s betrayal, as well as the pain in the eyes of the person he looked up to. He does not remember the physical pain.

I still recall the physical pain I felt when I knew she was truly gone. The nausea, the ache, the trembling. I tried my hardest to maintain my cold, professional composure, but my emotions seeped through. I kept repeating the phrase “I can save her.” I did not. I could have. When I was a field medic, before I had the Caduceus staff, I worked in a tent and attempted to save whatever mangled body came through the flaps. There was no hope for most that came though. I lied to every one of them.

By the time backup had arrived in the hovercraft, it was already too late. There was no pulse. Her brown eyes were already glazed over, and there was a streak of blood leaking from her nostril. I could not leave her there. She needed a proper burial. I knew what would happen if I attempted to resurrect her. I made the mistake once before…with Reyes. I couldn’t bear seeing her become something congruent. I guess it might have been my selfishness that stopped me, or maybe it was fear. I don’t know.

Ultimately, I stated that the cause of death was severe cranial trauma. Time of death was 17:37 on March 14th, 2077. I was the one that broke the news. I did not save her.

Her death came as a shock to everyone. They all reacted differently when they first heard. Some broke down and cried. Most people were silent, riddled with shock.

Initially, Ana was angry at me. She had every right to be. I had a say on who did or did not go on the mission. She never came up to me and told me it was my fault, but I knew that was what she thought. Sure, I lost a lover, but she lost her child. Her own flesh and blood. Someone she spent 30 over years of her life protecting, gone before her very eyes. It is always more painful when a child dies before their parent. Ana knew my capabilities. I think that in the moment, that even if she came back as a creature like The Reaper, she still would have been grateful to have her back. Truth be told, so would I.

Reyes. She used to look up to him. He was like a big brother to her. Jesse too; the siblings she never had. Losing Reyes was hard for the both of them. He was family. I don’t know if he still remembers, or cares, given his current state. Jesse has been quieter than usual. Everyone has. Even Reinhardt. He is not as intense anymore. Reinhardt was a father figure to her. She looked up to him. In a way, Ana and him shared a similar pain. I haven’t sat down and had a conversation with either of them. I can’t even bring myself to speak to Jesse.

Everyone who had rejoined after the recall knew about how her and I were romantically involved, to say the least. As her partner, I felt it was right that I spoke at her funeral. It was hard on all of us, even on those who were barely acquaintances. Everyone at the watchpoint showed up, which was respectful.

That was yesterday. I’ve been in the medical bay since. Genji stopped by to ensure I was okay. I reassured him I was fine, that I simply needed time to myself. He placed a sandwich on my desk before leaving. It occurred to me that I have not eaten since before the funeral. I was not hungry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of my more Angsty pieces of work.  
> I hope you enjoyed and hopefully it will continue to break your heart, if it Hasn't already   
> Kudos and feedback is always appreciated, and you have a great day <3


	2. War

March 30th, 2077

               Time flies when you grieve. It’s hard to believe it has only been around 2 weeks since I lost her. I still see her body when I close my eyes. I am so conflicted. I wake up some mornings and I stretch out my arms to hug her, but I’m met with a pillow that still holds her scent. I hate it. Some mornings I cry. Some mornings I scream in anger.

               I should have saved her. I’ve improved the Caduceus system, she would not have ended up like Reyes…

               So, why didn’t I?

               Grief has never hit me this hard before. I have never been so overwhelmed by lost to the point when I leave a path of destruction everywhere I go. The medical bay is in ruins. Our quarters are untidy. Our quarters. It’s now back to being my quarters.

               Since I was a more senior officer to her I was apparently deserved a larger living space. Ironic that I’m calling it a ‘living space’ considering all that I seem to carry with me is death. Her death. It’s all on my hands. I made a mother lose a child. I child I could have saved. But I didn’t.

               Why can’t I answer that question? It’s such a simple question. Perhaps I’m overcomplicating it. The improved Caduceus was not proven to be 100% reliable. Though resurrection was possible not all test trials on laboratory mice came back exactly as they were before their ‘death.’ Most of them lost the ability to perform basic cognitive functions and in some cases, they suffered complete paralysis. To attempt such a feat on an organism 100 times the size of a mouse was way too risky.

               I guess I answered my question then. I was a coward. Too afraid of the possibilities of what she could have become. If it was anyone else that I had no connections to, I would not have hesitated.

               Why do so many see me as an angel? But see Reyes as a demon? I am the demon and he was a victim of my mistakes. I am not an angel. Not even the angel of death, because at least they come to claim the souls. But me? I twist them into deformities that never needed to walk the face of this earth. I break the laws of nature, I should have been the corpse on the field. I should be dead! Not her!

               Genji caught me in the midst of one of my breakdowns in the medical bay. I was screaming those exact words as well as variations of it. He was shocked, to say the least. I’m usually so calm and collected. He attempted to reach out but I swatted him away. I seem to be a one-man army who is fighting anyone and anything it can get its hands on. After around a minute of thrashing I leaned into his grasp and cried. I cried harder than I ever had before.

‘It was my fault,’ I told him. For him, for Fareeha, for Reyes. The blame is on me. He did his best to reassure me it wasn’t. He was lying. I still recall the anger in his eyes over his new body that I created for him. He despised me. He should have, I turned him into a machine in a time where machines were the most hated things of all. Who wouldn’t have someone like that?

He recommended I speak to his master, Zenyatta, he says that the omnic may help me come to terms with her death, as well at be ‘at peace’ with my actions. I am not one for meditation, but I feel as if I owe Genji at least one visit to his master, considering all I have done to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uni life is...something else. SO sorry for the long wait, but settling into a new country is challenging.  
> Anyways, hope you have enjoyed this chapter.  
> Feedback is always appreciated and if you enjoyed, don't forget to leave Kudos <3  
> Take care :)


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